


And I'm living like I'm dying, All I'm doing is just trying to make you proud

by Francine2869



Series: Never have to ask myself what if... [4]
Category: Sen Çal Kapımı (TV)
Genre: Character Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:09:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29532480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Francine2869/pseuds/Francine2869
Summary: I think this ended up more sad then hopeful but I can see we're all feeling both and trying to find a balance between the two right now :-(
Series: Never have to ask myself what if... [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136675
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	And I'm living like I'm dying, All I'm doing is just trying to make you proud

**Author's Note:**

> I think this ended up more sad then hopeful but I can see we're all feeling both and trying to find a balance between the two right now :-(

***~***

Eda doesn't want to want him this much. She wants to be able to stop wanting him at some point before the ache that swells in her throat every time she sees him finally stops her breath and chokes her.

The first few days after Serkan comes back she has to physically stop herself from touching him. She has to sit on her hands, fidget with a pen and tug on her clothes to stop from reaching out just to feel him close and reassure herself that her nightmare is finally over.

Little does she know the torment that is only starting.

Now she has to stop herself from falling apart every time he looks at her with blank, unfeeling eyes. The nervous energy and breathlessness she used to feel in his presence has twisted itself into knots of bitterness and nausea that weigh her down so by the end of every day she feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders.

The only time she feels free - _alive_ \- like she used to is when she takes Sirius for long walks in the morning while the sun is just coming up in the trees. Some days she blasts music through her earpods but most days she embraces the silence, feeling weightless in the wind as it whips through the trees and the warmth of the sun as it reaches through branches, weak and pale before becoming dripping in golden hues over the ground where she walks.

She's awake through most nights, a wandering mind and memories new and old keeping her company in the dark. She doesn't want to worry her aunt or Melo so she keeps the lights off and closes her eyes when they faithfully open the door to check on her. (Their own trauma from seeing Eda weak and listless as she all but disappeared on them herself hasn't left their memories either.)

While the rest of the house is still sleeping in the early _early_ mornings she gathers a few supplies and makes her way to her jeep, Sirius a silent but loyal companion. The road she takes to the trail is so familiar that the time passes without her noticing. It's as she finally feels the earth steady under her feet and she takes those first few steps in the silence of a new day that Eda can finally breathe. She lets Sirius run for the first while as they wander the path together. After he tires himself out a little she throws the ball for him, able to eke out some version of a smile as she witnesses his boundless enthusiasm.

(On the days Sirius isn't with her she still goes for a walk but without his distraction the dread and doubt start to crowd her mind even earlier. She tries not to think about where he is and who he's with. She might admit if pressed that once (maybe twice) she screamed at the sky and scared birds into fleeing as a release to the anger and grief that was pent up inside of her). 

She leaves just enough time to go home and get ready for work so she can miss most of breakfast and the curious eyes and well meaning but interfering questions that come with it.

Being at the office used to be one of her favourite places. ( _"Is this where you are happiest? - This is one of the places where I am very happy."_ ) It holds many wonderful memories and many wonderful people but every day she's starting to dread being there more and more. Her cherished memories are being replaced by disappointments, sad looks from colleagues instead of friendly conversation and instead of the spirit of competition that used to inspire her she's fighting off a hostile takeover. 

Eda never wanted to run the company. Her flowers and plants and drawings were enough for her. Her only big plans and ambitions were for her own dreams: finishing school, launching her career, looking after her Aunt and the flower business. Where she finds herself now was not something she'd ever wanted. What she told the others is true, she'd _truly_ only planned to look after the company for Serkan while he was away. Believing that he was going to come back had kept her sane and keeping the company running in some semblance of order (she won't even try to say that she ran it as well as he could have) was what eventually got her out of bed in the mornings. (" _Everything will be fine after he comes."_ )

Pieces of her are breaking, falling apart and she can't seem to stop it anymore. She doesn't have the energy to fix herself _and_ fix Serkan and so far his needs have won every time. Eda wavers between wanting to stomp her feet and _SCREAM_ at him and being resigned that nothing is going to change his mind. Eda has always been impulsive, always jumped in with both feet and an open heart sure that things would turn out alright in the end. And if they didn't, well there would be a lesson to learn and carry with her. But what lesson was there to learn from this? What great knowledge would it give her that could improve her life in some way? She wishes there was something written in black and white that she could study to understand what meaning all of this was supposed to bring to her life.

She has dozens of photos _("Can you send me 300 photos of you, I don't have any one my phone"),_ notes he's left on her desk at work, videos on her phone, his arms reaching out for her as he loved her through the camera. She hoards them to herself and watches them over and over and _over again_ when it seems no one else understands how much she misses him.

And _oh god_ does she miss his smile. The one just for her is her favourite of course but she misses knowing that Serkan was _happy._ If he were truly happy and in love with Selin then maybe Eda could consider walking away, knowing that she was leaving him better than she'd found him. As it is she wonders if she's the only one that can see he's suffering, drowning... that the old Serkan that they all took for granted was _so unhappy_. She wonders how Selin can tell herself that she loves Serkan and not have that basic knowledge of him. Eda would scale mountains, swim oceans and fight dragons for him - if he'd only let her. 

Even the memories that hurt from times they were apart, from times they _couldn't_ be together bring her some comfort. They remind her how much they went through, how strong their connection was, that time and time again they found their way to each other. But they also remind her of times that Serkan defended Selin at her expense _("This issue has nothing to do with Selin so don't go any further)._ Serkan was not subtle about taking Selin's side to Eda's detriment in more than one situation. She tells herself that even though he admitted he's never loved Selin... their connection is important to him and he will always turn to her, always protect her and hold her above any other woman in his life.

In her more bitter moments she's glad that Selin's not reaping the rewards of the time that Eda spent with Serkan. She's glad he's back to the harsh, closed off version of himself. If Selin was engaged to the loving and open man that Eda cherished it would be too much. But it also saddens her because Eda knows that before they met Serkan never knew love and it took a long time for Eda to understand that in the beginning Serkan was _terrified_ of opening up to someone (" _I don't like it when people get close to me_ "), of giving someone the power to leave him behind and break his heart.

Sometimes she absolutely _hates_ this man for giving her even one crumb of understanding, for opening that door even a crack only to slam it shut in her face. She treasured her beautiful ring too much to throw it at him when she returned it but the stupid man had given it back to her - the one step toward her he's made since he came home. Not as he should have but broken down in a lesser version that he still expected her to be grateful for. It's their current relationship in a microcosm.

But she'd still give almost anything in a heartbeat just to have him hold her hand and believe her, believe _in her_. 

Because this Serkan doesn't care, he doesn't want to remember. She could show him a glimpse of their life together but it would only taint the memory of them so she keeps everything to herself. She's stopped trying to remember for him, stopped trying to catch every little glimpse of the man she's looking for. It feels like she needs to start keeping what little she has left of him instead of giving it away and watching it be destroyed, bit by bit, memory by memory. 

But she can't show pain, she can't show weakness. Selin is always ready with a smirk and gleeful comments. The rest of the world is watching her waver to see if she'll fall.

So Eda shows up. She takes a precious few moments of freedom when she doesn't have to be poised and strong, lets Serius see more of her tears than she'd admit and would ever show her friends and family. They still watch over her like she's going to crack and fall apart again. She tells herself she has no reason - he's alive, he's here and to anyone looking from the outside Serkan Bolat has come back to himself. They don't know about the huge heart he's got that he's hiding under bravado and anger, under a rigid front and uncaring attitude.

His friends have him back, even if not as loving and open as before they have a version of him back that they're used to. His mother will always have him, will always have his love. His business colleagues are happy the company is regaining stability and his employees work as hard as ever for this Serkan as they did for the one before.

The only person that Serkan hasn't come back to is Eda. The hole that he's left in her life can't be patched, can't be filled by another and won't be ignored for much longer. She misses his touch of course, his fingers in her hair and hands across her skin. She misses the soft way he would speak to her, the way he would whisper to her. She misses having his shoulder to lay her head on, to be able to tell him what she was feeling, what she was scared of and how much she missed her parents in the quiet moments. When they wouldn't speak at all and she simply felt his heartbeat keeping time with hers and the world narrowed down to the touch of a fingertip on her skin.

She wants him brush her hair back, to look at her - _really look at her -_ and know her. Know her heart, her mind, her soul. She doesn't blame him for believing Selin's lies _before_ he "met" her or even for having his guard up against her. But in the time he's been back she'd like to think that he would start to see the _real_ her. She'd like to think that he'd trust his own judgement and feelings about her but obviously Selin still has control over him and any glimmer of hope that appears is quickly snuffed out. Serkan once said " _love has no language"_ which doesn't matter when Eda can't find the words to make him come back to her (" _You already messed with my head once")_. 

Eda's felt lonely in her life, missed _Mommy and Daddy_ so much sometimes that she hated them for leaving her so soon. Before she could put it into words Eda felt like something was missing - part of her was missing. She and Serkan clashed at first but it was only to smooth the rough and ragged edges they'd both accumulated throughout their lives. It was discovering that they were so much stronger together and knowing they finally belonged somewhere. (" _For years I searched for the stars in the skies. When you came into my life I realized the bright star I was looking for was right in front of me.")_ So when Serkan dismisses their star co-ordinates as " _silly"_ it hurts, when he calls her 'Eda Hanim' it hurts, when he leaves for a meeting and doesn't say goodbye, when he holds hands with Selin and talks about going 'home' it hurts. 

Those precious few moments before he'd walked away from her on their wedding day are a blessing and a curse. When she sinks into the memory and lets herself relieve them, feel the love and hope that she'd felt radiating inside her it brings back some of the warmth that she is desperately missing. At the same time she wants to scream at Serkan not to go. She wishes that she'd said something, anything that would have kept him in her arms and away from any plane crashes or cabins in Slovenia or Selin whispering in his ear. Even if he did start to have memories of Eda or flashes of their time together - would it be enough to seperate them? Her sweet Serkan was noble and loyal and the mess that they were currently in was not going to be sorted out easily or kindly and at the moment Eda couldn't see Serkan turning on Selin for any reason. 

She's looking through photos on her phone one night after hearing Selin mention wedding dress shopping to Piril - her own dress is in a bag at the back of her closet. So beautiful, still pristine even though she'd almost torn it trying to " _get it off!_ " as she paced around the room trying to catch her breath. Serkan never saw her in that dress. Probably never will. 

She realizes that the Serkan she knows and loves, the man that was ready to marry her and dreamed of children with her is gone, may as well be dead. She's never going to see him again. She has to tell herself that and believe it, that hoping one day _just maybe_ he'll turn to her with a familiar smile isn't realistic. She can't keep getting her hopes up because every time she plummets from such heights it leaves her lower than before. It's like she's falling from a cliff and Serkan isn't there to catch her but she keeps climbing to the top and believing blindly that in some way, _this time,_ he'll save her from herself before she smashes into pieces on the ground. 

_This_ Serkan is the man who for all intents and purposes came back from the dead, strolled into her life and took a sledgehammer to her heart within the first few moments he was back. The fact that he's chosen to take Selin's hand in this new life even after hearing the state that he left Eda in is more than salt in her wound. Eda wants to blame someone, whether it be Selin for filling his head with lies and manipulating him, Aydan for not stepping in sooner and not thinking solely of herself for once... but Eda also knows that Serkan is a man who makes his own decisions, good or bad. So in the end she feels the most betrayed by the one who was supposed to protect her from anything.( _I promise you until my last breath I will always love you and make you happy.")_

So Eda is simply biding her time now, working steadily and consistently. She keeps her head down as much as she can, giving little away. She wishes that she could turn off the world and sink back into her dreams like she did those first few days he was gone. She wants to crawl back into their bed and feel the warmth of him, smell the scent of him around her. But those sheets have long since gone cold. They've been washed, the bed remade and any lingering essence of them erased from the bed, the room, the house and their lives. The stars they used to gaze upon are dim and flickering. She has nothing to go back to. Nothing to look forward to. So Eda takes one step after another as she fades into the normalcy of her new life.

Turns out she was right - sometimes love _isn't_ enough. 

_*~*_

**Author's Note:**

> This idea/story kept growing and growing and I finally had to cut myself off and post it before it got any sadder. I miss seeing lovey-dovey Eda/Serkan so I've been binging on old episodes which inspired a lot of this. I might come back and edit some of it but I wanted to stop fiddling and put it out there.


End file.
